i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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