Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
