did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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