If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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