Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
