your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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