Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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