She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
