Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
