GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
