if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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