she smelled like a LAN party
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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