So drunk, too bad you don't want this
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
