So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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