it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
