the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
