Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
