Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize