We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
