I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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