Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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