Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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