dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
