After last night, I could never be a politician.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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