vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
