Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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