i already hear my dad disowning me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize