Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
