My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
sex in a hospital.. check
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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