Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
