You don't have asthma, your pregnant
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
