When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
