Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
