ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
