Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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