you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my being single is dangerous.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
