the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
