There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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