I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
