I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
