end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
