You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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