wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
