smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
