If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
