If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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