Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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