Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
