Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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