About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
