you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
