you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
