how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
