There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
