She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
