Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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