I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
