are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
