Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
