Need sex. Gaining weight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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